pretty flowers and dirty places

i can't stand him, really, i'm not playing. i don't want to want this. i'm too old for fairytale endings and butterflies. i know what's real. i don't even bother to try to fool myself anymore. i miss him so much i can't stand myself and it pisses me off so bad. i think about him every night before i let the pillow take me to a softer place and even then i'm never rid of those hazel eyes. he makes me feel like someone else. someone happier, but maybe not so smart.i'm in way over my head in this one but i can't stop, and i'm wandering into even deeper waters. and i'm too stupid to be afraid of this jump. i think he's been sent by some evil creature from another planet to destroy me.i know this is another ditzy blog from another ditzy blogger.

i have just realized that you don't even know who i am. so i'm gonna let you in on a few things about me.
i wear a watch on each wrist.
both of them were broken when i got them.
i wear a key on my necklace.
it opens neither a door nor a heart.
my coat has 17 buttons, 15 on the coat 2 in the pocket, i threw the 18th one away because i don't like even numbers.
my bangles are made out of copper and they used to be part of a computer.
my fingers are long but my hands are small.
my ears are small but my eyes are big
my smile is big but my nose is small
i have two left feet
i'm right handed
i don't like walmart because i don't like humans
i am not human
i do not know how to cast spells to make death metal drummer boys fall in love with me
i do not think i know how to regret
i have a ring that looks like a spoon
i like buckles
i like rubber bracelets
i sell waffles
i'm not a waffler
i wear a chain on the same wrist as my tinkerbell watch
i have never taken it off since the day i put it on
i found it in a parking lot
it has absolutely no sentimental significance
i couldn't bear to be part with it
i have a collection of old school papers
some of them are mine some of them are my childrens some of them belong to people i have never met
my hair does not know if it is brown or black
i love chilicheese nachos
i am the worlds only carnivorous vegetarian
i am con-antidisestablishmentarianism.
not really but i am proud that i still know how to spell that word

do you honestly believe in me

the right side of my bed faces the wall. you know what that means. i don't like mornings. i don't like anything about mornings. i hate breakfast food so if for some reason i am awake and hungry in the a.m. i call Krystal's and they will go ahead and make lunch for me i just have top call twenty minutes ahead of time or be prepared to wait for it. Tammy's market serves me lunch in the morning too. i don't like to eat at sonic. i don't know why i dislike mornings i just don't. something about the blinding sun and everybody roaming the streets in half ton vehicles before their coffee fix just seems like a bad idea. so i avoid it whenever possible. and why is it i wonder that you can hurt yourself and never know until you wake up in the morning. what is it about mornigs that makes everything in your body either achy or cold. did you ever notice that regardless what the temperature outside it's always too cold or too hot to get up out of bed? i think mornings are the devil.

i sense there's something in the wind

you never were alone

i wrote a lullaby for you
i won't tell you what it is though
i daydream sometimes about living in twelfth century england
i don't always wear matching clothes because i like for people to think i'm weird
weird is one of my favorite words because it doesn't put i before e
i don't eat ice cream unless i'm watching Romy and Michelles High School Reunion
i am wearing a pink sweater right now and it has a black cat on it
i like the dark because it's easier for people to love me if they can't see me
i refuse to cut my hair anymore
my favorite body part is my eyebrows
i like to bake because i'm good at it and i love people to tell me so
i hate my job but love my customers so i stick with it
i don't wear shoes unless i just have to
if i could change my profession to vampirism i probably would
i wish i could dance
there's a song playing in my head right now and i don't want to tell you what it is
all of my blogs are not this pointless

"the pain's alright, it's the love that's deadly"

i don't understand him. it started with him saying i was retarded for smoking more than five to seven cigarettes a day. i had to giggle, if that wasn't his way of trying to pick a fight, then i don't know what. i should've told him i was quitting but i didn't want to antagonize him. then he started on that whole thing about how dumb i am to love him in spite of everything, and i told him i'm the smartest person i know, so much for not antagonizing him. his tirade lasted for over an hour. but i didn't mind, i just like the sound of his voice. i don't understand why he gets so deadset sometimes against being happy because he knows deep down somewhere i can make him happy, i know he does. he hung up on me twice, i called him back the first time, but not the second, he's right, i shouldn't call and wake up Chris. I wonder if he'll ever read this and know how i feel about him, i wonder if he'll ever be able to grasp the depth of my love and commitment , i know how difficult true unadulterated unconditional love is to find in todays world and i don't care that he doesn't understand or even if he's unable to love me back. IT DOESN'T CHANGE HOW I FEEL!!! and it never will. he says he hates who he is, well, that makes one of us. i adore who he is. i am who i am because i love who he is. and if he has a problem with that, then that's a problem he's going to have to overcome on his own. i'm more than willing to give him any support i can but i can't not love him. it's not in me to not love him. i know where i belong. if you do ever read this my sweet little drummer boy, please don't be angry, i can't change how i feel.

so where are we off to this time my friend

this is where i stand at this moment
-alone at the edge of a precipice it's as if i can see the bottom and i want to jump but there isn't anyone there to catch me and there isn't anyone here to fall with me and maybe i don't wanna jump after all because it's a long way down and i can't do this alone. is it too much too ask, i wanna know? simply for love to hold my hand so that i'm not so scared. i had a dream last night that i was pregnant and i was with him and we robbed some little drive thru market, it was really easy we just pushed open the window and got the money out of the register and the cops were coming so i told him to stay there ya'know just hang around so that when the cops came he could say that he didn't see anything and, of course, i would stash the cash. so i take of running(out to here, 'cause i'm still pregnant) and i jump on top of some roof(because i apparently have mario's superjump) i can still hear the cops and dogs behind me so i jump again and this time i make it the other two blocks to my house i grab the window ledge and swing myself in breaking the window in the process but i don't care because i can't hear the dogs no more and i run into the bedroom and get under the covers and start folding laundry convinced that ihave saved the day.
i wish life was that simple
i wish love was that simple

this was the only thing we had

i'm not saying that i'm ever going to just pack up my things and move to florida, and the reason that i'm not saying that is because i probably won't but believe me when i say that it isn't becasue i don't want to but more because i do want to or rather even because i need to because i need him and that scares the hell out of me and the more i hear his voice on the other end of that line the more i realize that i belong wherever he is and i don't want to be the girl who depends on anyone even if it is the one i love and i don't so much depend on him as i do the love he offers me. i belong to him and he knows that and it's perfectly terrifying in that it's perfect and i'm not. i don't know if i could be with him without screwing it up and i don't know if i could ever forgive myself if i was to do that. the thing is that i need him to save me from myself but i don't want to relinquish that control to anyone. including him. hell, including me. but i need him so badly and florida is calling me quietly but insistently

because being alone is a lot for two people to have in common

i am twenty seven years old and have never had a one night stand although i have been sorely tempted as of late but i dont think it would solve anything and just the thought of it makes me feel like i'm cheating on the one who i can't reach. do i fool myself to believe that he would feel the same, no, but that may well be the cynicism speaking up again although then again maybe not because i wouldn't consider it cheating if he were to be with someone else because he's so far away which really makes me wonder about my own thought processes or at least my self respect but i don't really think of it as lack of self respect because somehow he still makes me feel like i'm the most important creature ever placed on this earth and that's a real boost did i ever tell you about the time he broke up with his girlfriend because i showed up on his doorstep after having fallen off the face of the earth for four years so i'll never be able to have a one night stand healing or hurtful regardless and i will never seek out that little bit in common to share with a stranger so i will live inside of my dreams once again and they will show me sandy shores and warmer climes that i have never touched and but always will miss where are you drummer boy?

something blue

Butterflies

My fear of dying alone
compounded by insecurities
that chill to the bone
i'm spending all of my life
here waiting
only to kill what i've sown
i'm being all i can be
only to find that
my major malfunction is me
i'm in the cage that i've made
and there's no escape
at least not one i can see

Magan Jane Tate

Copyright ©2008 Magan Jane Tate

something borrowed

my mom is about to end her third marriage
my dad is about to embark on his ninth
i wonder if that's the reason i shy away
so here the question comes
do i shy away from marriage the institution or is it the commitment
i find i have the opportunity to embrace forever
it awaits me on the beach some somewhere south of here
not because i don't want forever but rather because i'm afraid of the risk
this coming from the girl who jumped twenty feet off the dam into the tennessee river before i learned how to swim and simply because someone told me i wouldn't
but there wasn't so much at stake then
just my life not my heart

something new

dilemnas that reach me from the deepest resources of my soul are as follows
-i find that the wall that surrounds my heart is made up of weak excuses because fearless as i may be i'm scared
-i don't believe in anything except God and my kids
-i am walking on a razor thin line and risking disappointing everyone i know
-i have lost faith in my ability to access people and maintain a solid relationship with them
- i find more secrets about myself with each passing day and i don't like what i find
-i see myself becoming a hypocrite as i am willing to give advice and tell those i love to follow their heart and trust in other people but in the same respect refuse to do so myself
- i find myself becoming more cynical in the base goodness of most other people in my life
- i seem to finally understand that i do not know myself have as well i deluded myself to believe

for starters something old

do you ever think it's eerie the way our lives parallel eachother? i mean we're exactly like twins, all except for the whole different parents(ages, genders, and race) thing. we even think the same, only, different, you know? i mean you have fun sometimes, and so do i , you have problems. i have problems, you don't ever want to have your heart broken again, and i don't want you to have your heart broken again either, personally though, i enjoy the ride well enough that i take the dead ends anyway, and you do too, even if you don't always care to admit it. what is it about love that does that to us?regardless of the fact that we see the cliff coming straight for us we punch the gas and close our eyes, because we're looking for the wind in our hair, and there is no greater thrill than falling, so we have to speed up 'cause we've no time for stalling, let's get this over with, i'm ready to crash, and right here in this moment i don't care if it lasts, .... we're like kittens, have you ever noticed that cats are born with a death wish, if they are small enough to fit under your foot then they are certain to fall asleep there. so smile at me, if you'll just give a smile, that's all i need and i will sleep underneath your shoe