siete de mayo

wow month five whadya know? and it's been so long without a blog i have missed you loyal readers out there although i'm beginning to believe to you are mom and catman. here's some more interesting insights into the weirdness that is me
i'm a scaredy cat
but not actually a cat
my brother however is
but not actually
and he's a hero
he reads the hagakure
i think that's why he's a cat
niko is the proper name
i think
i like to go caving
it's like spelunking only not safe
i don't do it anymore
i still like it
i got trapped in a dead air pocket once
it was wild
you can't see it
it makes you dizzy
and then you get lost
and then you die
i didn't however
yay me

pretty flowers and dirty places

i can't stand him, really, i'm not playing. i don't want to want this. i'm too old for fairytale endings and butterflies. i know what's real. i don't even bother to try to fool myself anymore. i miss him so much i can't stand myself and it pisses me off so bad. i think about him every night before i let the pillow take me to a softer place and even then i'm never rid of those hazel eyes. he makes me feel like someone else. someone happier, but maybe not so smart.i'm in way over my head in this one but i can't stop, and i'm wandering into even deeper waters. and i'm too stupid to be afraid of this jump. i think he's been sent by some evil creature from another planet to destroy me.i know this is another ditzy blog from another ditzy blogger.

i have just realized that you don't even know who i am. so i'm gonna let you in on a few things about me.
i wear a watch on each wrist.
both of them were broken when i got them.
i wear a key on my necklace.
it opens neither a door nor a heart.
my coat has 17 buttons, 15 on the coat 2 in the pocket, i threw the 18th one away because i don't like even numbers.
my bangles are made out of copper and they used to be part of a computer.
my fingers are long but my hands are small.
my ears are small but my eyes are big
my smile is big but my nose is small
i have two left feet
i'm right handed
i don't like walmart because i don't like humans
i am not human
i do not know how to cast spells to make death metal drummer boys fall in love with me
i do not think i know how to regret
i have a ring that looks like a spoon
i like buckles
i like rubber bracelets
i sell waffles
i'm not a waffler
i wear a chain on the same wrist as my tinkerbell watch
i have never taken it off since the day i put it on
i found it in a parking lot
it has absolutely no sentimental significance
i couldn't bear to be part with it
i have a collection of old school papers
some of them are mine some of them are my childrens some of them belong to people i have never met
my hair does not know if it is brown or black
i love chilicheese nachos
i am the worlds only carnivorous vegetarian
i am con-antidisestablishmentarianism.
not really but i am proud that i still know how to spell that word

do you honestly believe in me

the right side of my bed faces the wall. you know what that means. i don't like mornings. i don't like anything about mornings. i hate breakfast food so if for some reason i am awake and hungry in the a.m. i call Krystal's and they will go ahead and make lunch for me i just have top call twenty minutes ahead of time or be prepared to wait for it. Tammy's market serves me lunch in the morning too. i don't like to eat at sonic. i don't know why i dislike mornings i just don't. something about the blinding sun and everybody roaming the streets in half ton vehicles before their coffee fix just seems like a bad idea. so i avoid it whenever possible. and why is it i wonder that you can hurt yourself and never know until you wake up in the morning. what is it about mornigs that makes everything in your body either achy or cold. did you ever notice that regardless what the temperature outside it's always too cold or too hot to get up out of bed? i think mornings are the devil.

i sense there's something in the wind

you never were alone

i wrote a lullaby for you
i won't tell you what it is though
i daydream sometimes about living in twelfth century england
i don't always wear matching clothes because i like for people to think i'm weird
weird is one of my favorite words because it doesn't put i before e
i don't eat ice cream unless i'm watching Romy and Michelles High School Reunion
i am wearing a pink sweater right now and it has a black cat on it
i like the dark because it's easier for people to love me if they can't see me
i refuse to cut my hair anymore
my favorite body part is my eyebrows
i like to bake because i'm good at it and i love people to tell me so
i hate my job but love my customers so i stick with it
i don't wear shoes unless i just have to
if i could change my profession to vampirism i probably would
i wish i could dance
there's a song playing in my head right now and i don't want to tell you what it is
all of my blogs are not this pointless

"the pain's alright, it's the love that's deadly"

i don't understand him. it started with him saying i was retarded for smoking more than five to seven cigarettes a day. i had to giggle, if that wasn't his way of trying to pick a fight, then i don't know what. i should've told him i was quitting but i didn't want to antagonize him. then he started on that whole thing about how dumb i am to love him in spite of everything, and i told him i'm the smartest person i know, so much for not antagonizing him. his tirade lasted for over an hour. but i didn't mind, i just like the sound of his voice. i don't understand why he gets so deadset sometimes against being happy because he knows deep down somewhere i can make him happy, i know he does. he hung up on me twice, i called him back the first time, but not the second, he's right, i shouldn't call and wake up Chris. I wonder if he'll ever read this and know how i feel about him, i wonder if he'll ever be able to grasp the depth of my love and commitment , i know how difficult true unadulterated unconditional love is to find in todays world and i don't care that he doesn't understand or even if he's unable to love me back. IT DOESN'T CHANGE HOW I FEEL!!! and it never will. he says he hates who he is, well, that makes one of us. i adore who he is. i am who i am because i love who he is. and if he has a problem with that, then that's a problem he's going to have to overcome on his own. i'm more than willing to give him any support i can but i can't not love him. it's not in me to not love him. i know where i belong. if you do ever read this my sweet little drummer boy, please don't be angry, i can't change how i feel.