"the pain's alright, it's the love that's deadly"

i don't understand him. it started with him saying i was retarded for smoking more than five to seven cigarettes a day. i had to giggle, if that wasn't his way of trying to pick a fight, then i don't know what. i should've told him i was quitting but i didn't want to antagonize him. then he started on that whole thing about how dumb i am to love him in spite of everything, and i told him i'm the smartest person i know, so much for not antagonizing him. his tirade lasted for over an hour. but i didn't mind, i just like the sound of his voice. i don't understand why he gets so deadset sometimes against being happy because he knows deep down somewhere i can make him happy, i know he does. he hung up on me twice, i called him back the first time, but not the second, he's right, i shouldn't call and wake up Chris. I wonder if he'll ever read this and know how i feel about him, i wonder if he'll ever be able to grasp the depth of my love and commitment , i know how difficult true unadulterated unconditional love is to find in todays world and i don't care that he doesn't understand or even if he's unable to love me back. IT DOESN'T CHANGE HOW I FEEL!!! and it never will. he says he hates who he is, well, that makes one of us. i adore who he is. i am who i am because i love who he is. and if he has a problem with that, then that's a problem he's going to have to overcome on his own. i'm more than willing to give him any support i can but i can't not love him. it's not in me to not love him. i know where i belong. if you do ever read this my sweet little drummer boy, please don't be angry, i can't change how i feel.